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  • Christine Hourd

8 Personal Growth Strategies To Work On Before Starting a New Relationship

Updated: Jun 13

The chapter you’re in is coming to an end, and it’s not looking good. Your relationship is over, and you’re feeling like a part of you has left with the one you loved. You’re moving from “we” to “me” and you’re not sure what your life will look like going forward.


But instead of going right back onto the dating apps, why not do some personal growth work so you’re more complete and available for a new relationship?


It feels right to sooth yourself in a bed of despair, and long for what was. But why not work on repairing and strengthening your position instead? By working on strategies for your personal development you can enter a new relationship more complete and available. Thus, increasing your chances of succeeding with someone new.


How Working On Your Personal Growth Prepares You For A New Relationship


When you move on from a relationship there can be a feeling of loss, resentment, anger, or sadness, even happiness. Those emotions can bring on confusion of how to go forward. But putting on that brave face to hide those feelings will only mask what’s really going on.


There’s this component missing from your life, that the relationship had created for you. A feeling of being loved, part of a union, a connection, becoming one, or “you complete me” by finishing my sentences and ordering my food.


There was an investment in the relationship where you gave to each other, and compromised to make it work. But now that you’re single again you need to reestablish yourself and get to know you, as just you.


When you work on your personal growth that longing for what you once had diminishes, and you gain back the part of you that was surrendered for the sake of the relationship. You become stronger and ready to invest your time, energy and heart into a new relationship.


When Getting Back Into The Dating Doesn't Add To Personal Development


Advice from a friend telling you to get back out into the dating world to get over the relationship, isn’t always a good decision. There you are sitting across from someone you just met who has the intention of finding “the one,” and looking at you as a possibility. At the same time, you’re longing for the person who broke your heart to return and mend it, so you’ll feel whole again.


If you don’t have a clear mind and heart to move forward you’ll begin to self-sabotage any chances of a relationship with another, because they aren’t the one who can replace that loss. It’s unreasonable to ask someone else to try to fill this gap in your life, since this would only create comparisons in your mind between your new love and the former one.


You’re the only person who can fill that void because you’re the only one who knows how work on your personal development, and to reconnect that missing piece.


Follow These Eight Mindset Exercises And You'll Be Ready For A New Relationship Status


By working on dissolving old unsupportive ways of being, you can free yourself from a past relationship and open yourself up to a new one. Here are eight mindset exercises to help you move forward and move on:


1. Question the excuses that limit your dating options

These can also show up as reasons or assumptions. Telling yourself there’s no one out there to date, or all of them are taken sounds reasonable when you keep looking and finding proof that this is true. This leads you to believe that your ex is the only option out there. But then do you think you’re the only one in the world who is your age and single?


2. Have more confidence in your future opportunities

Starting over is scary, and not knowing how it will turn out will have you create stories in your mind of how you’ll remain in this state. Sticking with what you know, even though it’s dreadful, is safe and less scary than the anticipation of what might happen. Start to think of the possibilities that are yet to occur in your life as a gift waiting to be opened, then it will be more exciting.


3. Create life goals out of what you want and desire

While in a relationship you may have relied on the advice of your partner’s, and assumed they knew more of what you want, than you did. But now that this loved one is gone, you have to reflect upon yourself to determine what you want and need. Think of interests and activities that made you happy before the relationship started, and reintroduce yourself to them.


4. Define what a successful relationship looks like to you.

You can’t allow others to influence your definition, since everyone defines it differently. You can view a relationship as being successful simply by the way it makes you feel, and how you’re treated.


5. Understand the reason you want to be in a relationship.

Many say they need a relationship to make them happy or complete. Although, without a relationship does that mean you’re unhappy and lonely? These are two feelings that are supported intrinsically. What will a relationship add to your already content life?


6. Determine what your true identity is what being authentic means

This "fake it til you make it” has us living like a chameleon, and not living authentically. People want to fall in love with a real person. But in order to be that person you have to know what your identity is and how you want people to perceive you. Then be consistent with that person. You’ll impress someone more by being who your are than imitating someone else.


7. Know what values you support and stand by them.

Your values can be challenging to define if you’ve been living other people’s values. One way to know what yours are is ask: what makes you happy, or what makes your head turn and smile? It could be someone showed you respect, or was very giving. If you read a lot, then education or intelligence may be one of your values. If you enjoy fitness or eating right, then healthy living is a value. When you know your values then you can match that with your next partner. When values are conflicting the relationship takes more work to survive, if it can.


8. Create new beliefs that support relationship success.

When it comes to relationships there are many beliefs from the past that act as barriers to success. The belief that older women shouldn’t date younger men, or coming out of an abusive relationship means you’ll attract the same type of partner. Who says you can’t change the past or the status quo? You have to question those beliefs and determine if they’re realistic, and if they’re worth supporting.


There is no written rule to tell you when you’re ready to get back into another relationship. But in order to increase the success of finding someone who will add benefit to your life, you need to first work on your personal growth. Then you’ll increase your chances of achieving relationship success.


Christine Hourd is a certified success and leadership life coach located in Calgary, Alberta. She works with clients, online and in-person to remove obstacles and gain more fulfillment in their life so they can build positive relationships. Learn more about her Success Mastery coaching program and options to reach your goals.

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